sunday, 4/8

oh dear.

it's been nearly a year since i updated this thing, you'd think i'd be more on top of life than that (unless you know me well, you've seen me within these last 11 months, then you're not a bit surprised). thus i will be completely amazed if anyone ever reads this...

weekends have been rough for me lately, which seems to be the opposite of the way it should be. somewhere on sunday this subtle dread fills me- monday is coming. tears have become a sunday evening tradition.

the boy had to work today (even though it was not only a national holiday and a sunday but his birthday, too. talk about injustice...) which left me a lonely, cloudy day to soul search. last night, as he was enduring my tearful tirade (even though it wasn't even sunday night yet) he told me i ought to just quit. and that might actually happen.

because i think things inside of me are shifting again.

i am becoming a real woman. like one who enjoys staying home and cooking food for her man. i recently acquired a costco membership and the few cells of domesticity i had started to breed like rabbits. at about the same time i was introduced to pintrest by a friend. rabbits in spring. let's call costco plus pintrest plus emotional unrest the perfect storm.

i still want to travel and i would really like to have a job i enjoy, but there's this peaceful settling in starting to almost happen in there, and frankly these sunday-evening panic attacks are all but destroying what settling can occur in an evening (when i'm not working overtime) or saturday.

i want to write again. i'd really like to try a few recipes for my unadventurous taste tester with the metabolism that dreams are made of. i want to read a few good books and take a few lovely photographs. i went to send you a handmade birthday card (even though those singing hoops and yoyo numbers are pretty wonderful). i want to paint on a canvas, or maybe just put some tasteful calligraphy on one (see: pintrest). i want to sip tea and feel joy anew. because the way things have been is not sustainable, and will either suck my soul straight out of me or kill me or both.

wish me luck. there are a thousand steps between here and there.